Updated: Monday, 21st October 2019 @ 1:38pm

Manchester's Political Heroes and Villains: Royal Mail vs. dogs while Tony Lloyd calls in The A-Team

Manchester's Political Heroes and Villains: Royal Mail vs. dogs while Tony Lloyd calls in The A-Team

By John Paul Shammas

This week in Heroes and Villains, Police Commissioner Tony Lloyd acknowledges that politics is boring and begins basing policing policy on TV shows and genre movies. Meanwhile a vicious Salford dog is holding Royal Mail ransom.

So who’s Manchester’s hero of the week then? That would be Greater Manchester’s Police Commissioner and presumptive owner of the A-Team DVD box set, Tony Lloyd, who earlier this week announced that he is setting up a new team to tackle baddies all across Manchester.

What makes this team so special? £100,000 is to be set aside to get a crack-team of retired, dusty, chain-smoking detectives back into the game.

Isn’t the whole ‘pulling a retired, reluctant hero back in for one last job’ thing kind of old? I mean, there’s Unforgiven, Sexy Beast, The Wild Bunch... Don’t forget Inception, Heat, Watchmen, Carlito’s Way… yeah you’ve probably got a point there.

And another thing. This plan is literally the plot of BBC’s TV show New Tricks. Good point, and it’s probably more expensive to make too. But anyway, Commissioner Lloyd says it will help with unpredictable surges in major crime.

Wouldn’t it be easier to predict surges of crime if our Commissioner spent less time on turning mediocre TV shows into policing policy and more time on predicting surges of crime? Woah there. You’re missing the point!

How’s that? In Tony Lloyd, we finally have someone who understands who the electorate really are: a bunch of uninformed shlobs who find politics boring-as-hell and want it to be more like television. That’s why he’s getting the team back together. An unoriginal premise, but a timeless one.

These heroes of the week are getting less and less heroic each time... It’s been a bad few weeks, hasn’t it?

Anyway, who’s the villain this week? That would be an ‘aggressive’ Salford dog who apparently, according to Royal Mail, harbors an ‘intense hatred of postmen’. The dog, called Rufus (but let’s call it Darth Rufus for effect), attacked two postmen and gave them the heebie-jeebies.

So now what? Well, now Royal Mail are refusing to deliver to that home and the surrounding area because they see it as a health and safety risk, meaning 90 Salford homes are not going to get their post until Darth Rufus promises to stop attacking their postmen.

So Royal Mail are literally going to stop doing their job because they’re scared of a dog? Yep.

Wow! You would have thought that Royal Mail would have the pedigree to deal with this dog... No? No laughs for that one? None.

Sorry. Anyway, so Royal Mail sent out this letter explaining the whole situation to the 90 homes, instructing them that they will have to come and pick up their post themselves.

Hold on. They sent these poor people a letter saying that they were going to stop sending them letters, BECAUSE THEY ARE AFRAID OF A DOG? Presumably the letter was helicoptered in just to be safe, although whether this dog has access to anti-air missiles hasn't yet been confirmed or disconfirmed.

Royal Mail just seem really pup-thetic. Okay you’re on your own.

Come back! ... Don’t be so RUFF on me.

...Hello?

Please note: Opinions expressed above are those of the journalist and do not necessarily represent the views of Mancunian Matters. The regular Heroes and Villains column is intended for entertainment purposes.

Image courtesy of theclockis1640 via YouTube, with thanks.

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