Mancunian matters of the heart: My partner wants me to dominate him… help!

Bored in the bedroom? Fretting over infidelity? Whatever your love dilemmas are, MM’s agony aunt Kim Reader has the answer.

Ahead of Valentine’s Day, here at MM we thought it about time that we do our bit for those worrying over matters of the heart. 

If you have a question for Kim, you can email us here


Dear Kim,

I’ve been with my boyfriend a few years and apart from the usual ups and downs we have been happy. We are both very open-minded sexually and enjoy trying new things to keep our sex life exciting.

We’ve done some role play stuff and dirty messaging, you know… But recently he told me he has always fantasised about being dominated, properly dominated. He told me he wants me to call him names and be abusive and stuff. I just do not know if that’s something I can do!

I am so glad he felt he could tell me and I love him so much, but I feel a bit repulsed by the idea of being nasty to him and having to act in this way. If this is really what he wants our sex to be like, I don’t know if I can stay with him.

What do I do? Please help!

Doubtful Dominatrix


Dear Doubtful Dominatrix,

Thank you for sending in your concerns – it is so important to share and I really hope I’ll be able to help.

First things first, it is important to stress that you must never, ever do anything sexually you do not feel comfortable doing. Just because your partner is into domination, does not mean you are and he would have thought about this before opening up.

If he ever tries to pressure you, manipulate you or you feel forced into trying this or anything else out for him or ‘for the sake of your relationship’ then it is not a relationship you really want to be in.

Secondly, you mentioned you are glad he felt he could share this with you and you should be! Although we’ve come a long way in society with regards to talking openly about sex, we certainly have not come far enough and people can often repress their sexual desires for their entire lifetimes. It is not healthy at all.

You two sound like you have a great, open dialogue about your sexual wants and needs and that is a testament to the strength of your relationship, your love, and you two as people. Do not let that end now just because something has come as a bit of a shock.

Talk to your partner about your reservations. Let him know you aren’t too keen on the idea of being cruel to him. You need to hear him explain that that is not what domination is about.

Yes, he would be submitting to you and doing anything you asked him too. Yes, you would be using language deemed to be hurtful or often used to put another person down. And, yes, he may want you to spank him or tie him up.

But, and this is a big but, he is getting off on that. He has told you he wants it so you are doing it for him.

Maybe if you talk this through with him you will feel more comfortable and willing to try out some milder forms of domination. Maybe when you’ve tried it, you’ll realise it is the thing you never even knew you were looking for and your sex life will be revolutionised.

And maybe not. Maybe once you’ve spoken about it more with your partner, you will still be adamant it is not your cup of tea. You may even have a bit of a row.

But if he loves you – it sounds like he does – he will understand and you two will simply move on. You won’t know until you’ve plucked up the courage to broach the subject again.

One difference in your sexual desires is definitely not a reason to not be together. You said yourself you have been happy and that you love each other.

Him wanting this or fantasising about this does not for a second undermine how much you have both enjoyed the sex up until now. Let’s face it, you would know if he’d been faking his orgasms!

You’re a strong couple, in love, happy, comfortable with each other, having good sex and talking about it. You are doing it all right!

Hold on to that and hold on to what is right for you when you approach your partner on the matter. Good luck. Be brave. I’m sure you will make it over this hurdle in no time.

Thanks for your email.

Kim x

If you have a question for Kim, you can email us here

Image courtesy of Ulleskelf, with thanks.

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