Updated: Wednesday, 3rd June 2020 @ 3:06pm

MM's top five... presents to give Morrissey on his birthday

MM's top five... presents to give Morrissey on his birthday

| By Josh Willacy

What do you get for the man who hates everything?

Morrissey is a big mouth, animal loving misery guts, who has been making music and moaning for more than three decades.

And today he ‘celebrates’ his 55th Birthday.

Morrissey has attained iconic status, infamous for his dark and funny lyrics, authentic vocals and quiffy hairstyle.

Since The Smiths moped their way on to the music scene in 1983, Morrissey has constantly caused controversy with his acid tongue, strong opinions and penchant for slanging matches.

One thing he would probably agree with though is the fact that he’s not an easy man to please.

Choosing a fitting birthday present for the musician would be no mean feat, but here at MM we’ve compiled a few gifts that might tickle his fancy.

1.       Vegetarian slap up meal

A veggie feast at Simon Rimmer’s Greens vegetarian restaurant would be just the thing to cheer Mozza up on his big day.

Goat cheese tartlets, Thai potato cakes and more salad than even he could toss would potentially take Morrissey’s mind off the fleeting passage of time and the inevitable darkness that comes for us all.

Morrissey is a militant vegetarian. He is an avid supporter of PETA and his hatred for carnivores has been well documented; he once compared meat eating to paedophilia.

Anybody the whiney lyricist employs is banned from eating meat or shellfish and he restricts anyone involved in his tours from eating anything other than pre-ordered veggie meals that have been approved by him in advance.

It’s not just his employees who have felt the wrath of Morrissey’s animal loving antics though.

At Coachella festival during his set, Morrissey complained about the stench of meat permeating in the air, famously saying: “I can smell burning flesh, and I hope to God it's human.”

2.       Wind up torch (a light that never goes out)

Morrissey is a huge lover of books, he once quipped: “There's more to life than books, you know. But not much more.”

It’s easy to imagine Morrissey sat in a darkened room flicking through the likes of Sartre, Wilde or Plath, he could even be re-reading his own autobiography for the umpteenth time.

All that reading long into the night could potentially damage his eyes and so when he’s tucked up in bed the book worm might appreciate a little light illuminating his favourite literature.

By using a wind up torch he’d also be saving electricity/the planet so it ties in quite well with his green credentials.

3.       Birthday outfit (a stitch to wear)

Heaven forbid Morrissey doesn’t go out tonight because he hasn’t got a stitch to wear… The Charming Man has probably cancelled on plans for a lot less, so a little shopping spree might be just what the doctor ordered.  

Morrissey’s well-constructed look has inspired thousands over the years, and he would probably have a whale of a time rummaging through the treasure trove that is Ryan vintage, getting his fix of cool retro clobber at Cow, or even something more simple and chic at Deep. Just keep him away from any leather…

The Smith’s vocalist doesn’t condone clothing consisting of real animal fur or skin, and he ensures that all his outfits are made from natural resources. 

He also slams others who do wear exotic animals, last year he said on stage: “The rhino is now more or less extinct, and it's not because of global warming or shrinking habitats. It's because of Beyoncé's handbags”.

4.       A watch

The birthday boy is a notoriously impatient man. He is after all the guy that asked How Soon Is Now?

To avoid any confusion going forward, a snazzy time teller might just do the trick.

5.       Deep tissue massage

It’s fair to say that Morrissey probably has a lot of pent up rage, goodness knows how deep the knots go back from him carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

His childhood and early teenage years were plagued with self-doubt, depression, and the crippling need to come across as more intelligent than those around him. 

This level of angst has clearly followed him through to his formative years. With his views on life becoming ever more outlandish and polarizing as time goes on.

A massage would allow him to work out some serious aches and pains, relieving him of some pretty intense issues.

The message would of course have to be deep though, just like the man himself…